Jai. 20. ISFJ.
BA Communications Graduate. BSBA Marketing Freshman. Baguio City. PH.

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“I’ll make a bed in the back of a pickup truck and lie under a blanket of stars. I want to take in the intangibility of their magnificence and the contrast of their immeasurability against my smallness. It would be like a million eyes are on me, watching me breathe, and for a moment it will feel like I am one of them.”

Items on my bucket list #3 (by Jai R.)

"This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard,
But I’m gonna survive, oh oh these are beautiful times”

Sometimes songs do a better job of providing the encouragement I need than the immediate people around me.

“I’ve attended three funerals in the last three months, and I learned that there are two types of people in this world: those for whom life is too short and those for whom life isn’t short enough, and I’m afraid I’m becoming one of the latter.”

– Jai R.

“I want to travel the world, twice - once around alone, then the second time with someone special. That way, I know what it feels like to fall in love all over again.”

Items on my bucket list #2 (by Jai R.)

Anonymous asked:

What's it like to have a best friend of the opposite sex?

One of our interests is dressing up so I like picking out clothes for her. I think I even spazz out more than she does when we see a really pretty dress. But I love how she’s boyish sometimes, like she’s not really into makeup. The conversation never stops when we talk about boys books and movies. It’s easier for me to talk to her about touchy feely kind of things. I tell her everything. Sex isn’t a taboo topic between us. If people see us together, they might think we’re dating since we’re so PDA. We’re that comfortable with each other.

But here’s the thing, it’s hard not to fall in love with my best friend. I love her for all that she is. I sometimes tell her that if I were straight, I’d totally date her and never let her go. One of these days she’ll find a boy who’ll love her even more than I do in the ways that I can’t, and I’ll hate him for that.

(Myra, if you read this, labyu mwa mwa chup chup)

“I’ve started taking shots of espresso
instead of shots of whiskey
whenever my heart gets broken;
that way, I’d have the bitter part
over and done with,
my heart would be racing
instead of dragging and stumbling
along the sidewalk in drunken steps,
and I won’t have to see
anyone in my dreams because
I won’t be getting any sleep at all.”

Resolutions for the broken hearted (by Jai R.)

“There is none like you,
No one else can touch
my heart like you do,
I can search for all
eternity long and find -
there is none like you.”

– I used to sing this in church all the time, and if it weren’t sung to God so much, it would be one of the most romantic things ever.

“My mind feels like a home
in which even I am unwelcome,
so I try to make some changes.
I’ve oiled the rusty window hinges
so they don’t creak when
the wind flails them about,
I’ve replaced the flickering lights
with a new set of bulbs,
and I glued together the broken vase
that keeps getting knocked off the shelf.
The walls have been refurnished
with a fresh coat of paint,
and the fireplace has been
stocked with wood for when the
nights get cold and lonely.
I try fixing everything I can,
but somewhere in a corner is
something that needs repairing,
but I still don’t know what’s broken.”

Living with anxiety (by Jai R.)

“I no longer need a cast,
but some bones are still broken,
my wounds have closed up,
but leave blood stains on the linens,
My heart is fine, but I can
feel pain on every third beat,
I’m healing, I’m healing,
but my mending is still incomplete,
and I still can’t say that
I don’t love you anymore
but I think I now love you less
than I did before.”

the clinic of broken hearts (by Jai R.)

How I spent Saturday

Saturday didn’t start out so bad. I woke up early to go to a blogger conference, and though it didn’t meet my expectations (it was slightly disappointing, actually), at least I learned one new thing about blogging. My boyfriend even joined me mid-seminar for a couple of hours. There was free food and no registration fee. Haha.

After that, I met with my high school best friend and we hung out in one of the less mainstream malls in Baguio. It was actually fun to window shop and we totally splurged on novelty items a.k.a. items we don’t need but had to own. Even after that we weren’t satisfied with what we bought. There were just too many items we wanted to buy, including a 2D bag that I keep seeing on Lookbook, but I couldn’t afford it at the moment.

When my best friend had decided to go home, I went to my usual coffee-and-cigarette hangout. Everyone else was probably out partying or chilling at home or drinking to get wasted or working their night shift. And there I was, alone on a Saturday night. I don’t know. It’s probably the most pathetic I’ve felt in a while. I could’ve just gone home, but I didn’t want to. It was even incredibly awkward for me that beside my table there was a large group of teenagers/young adults parading their vibrant social life with disturbing outbursts of laughter. Good thing there was wifi so I could access my social media sites to look like I was busy with something.

Inside, I was absolutely miserable. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself - ending the day on a lonely note. What’s weird is that everything is actually fine. Aside from the usual closet hiding from my parents, I’m in good terms with pretty much anyone close to me. But why do I still feel lonely? Why are my emotions on a constant roller coaster of extremes? Why is there no middle ground? What is happening to me? I can’t find any reasonable explanation as to why I’m feeling this way. I don’t know what’s broken.

“I’ve reached a new level of missing you.
I just can’t take my clothes off
when you’re not spending the night.
My jacket smells of cigarettes and Chanel
left from when you hugged me goodbye.
There’s a warmth in my jeans
that’s reminiscent of the way
you rubbed your hand against my lap and knees
when we exchanged mischievous whispers
at the diner bar seats.
My shirt is still wet from
running around town in the rain,
and I’m not sure if the sweat stains
are mine or yours or both,
but I don’t care. It’s going to be
too long before I get to see you again,
so I’m sleeping in my bed
with all these memories sewn into the fabrics
filling in for you, but they’re always
never enough.”

I need you to take them off for me (by Jai R.)

“I want to lie and fall asleep on the edge of a cliff, not knowing til morning if I had plunged to my doom, or wake up with the confidence that I had looked death in the eye and escaped it. Only then can I realize that my life is worth living.”

Items on my Bucket List #1 (by Jai R.)

“Once you had a good look
at the whole of me,
you found that I came with
a warning label.
I was a walking list
of side effects:
depression, insomnia, anxiety
and every part of me
was crossed off with caution tape,
my heart was labeled
‘fragile’ from being
tossed around and mishandled
by previous carriers.
You could have dropped
me off elsewhere and ran
the opposite direction.
You had every reason to leave,
but you didn’t,
you ignored the signs,
you stayed, took me in,
side effects and broken pieces.
And one day, I swear I’ll heal,
not because of you,
but for you.
I’ll be better for you,
it’s the least I could do.”

Damaged goods (by Jai R.)